facial slot machine

….not, as you might expect, the kind of thing you find only in hardcore porn films or the fevered imaginations of teenage boys but a game on the irresistible ‘bishi-bashi special’ which i found myself playing on saturday morning, just as the beginnings of a hangover were gnawing at the edges of my fragile mind.
(a quick moment of thanks to my friend alex for meeting up with me at the weekend, laughing at my salary, letting me drink all his beer and allowing himself to be dragged by his girlfriend and i to an exhibition the next day even though he clearly suffered from the fear throughout.)
jack white once said that he didn’t trust anyone who didn’t like led zeppelin – i can appreciate this, and moreover said something very similar on friday – i don’t trust anyone who doesn’t find the adam & joe show funny.
moreover, i also don’t trust anyone who…
(1) …uses the word ‘eclectic’ to describe their bastard musical taste – ‘eclectic’ means diverse, so say diverse, or tell me it’s broad. don’t tell me it’s eclectic or i will wash your mouth and ears out for you with carbolic soap.
(2) …tells me that they think pornography is degrading to women – i say this mainly because i once had a boyfriend who said that with such weighted sincerity it was quite sinister – i later found his stash of jazz mags under the bed.
(3) …lists which countries they’ve done – “oh yeah, i’ve done burma, done vietnam, did norway in ninety-six.” did what to it exactly, you preening nomad ?
(4) ….des’ree. des’ree and all who sail on her. “oh life! oh life! oh life! doo,doot doot dooo...” goodbye, des’ree, turn the lights out on your way down.
(5) …tells me to grow up. i once had a friend who didn’t let the fact that he was seven years my junior stop him giving me measured advice on exactly which aspects of my life i needed to focus on, otherwise i’d never get a mortgage/learn to drive/see forty. reality is usually so far down my list of priorities it’s been squashed in at the bottom, in really cramped writing.
(6) …every single person on the sunday times rich list.
(7) … plays, or enjoys the sound of the jazz saxophone. ‘curtis stigers’. mention the name to me and i will visibly shudder right before your very eyes. do it twice and there may be a bit of sick.
there is more, but reading this back i’ve realised it looks like a self-indulgent exercise in ostracizing myself from all my family and most of my friends so i’d better end it there.
(8) …except for people with clammy hands. pasty, damp hands and chubby fingers, handshake like clutching the thoughts of a dying pituitary gland. don’t trust ‘em.