world's worst liar

ahhhhh, my idiocy knows no bounds. i am a bunglehead.
just meant to send the following text to my friend the mitton;
“what time do you want to meet at the v&a ? about seven, maybe ? i have told my boss i need to leave at three for an ‘important appointment’…har har har i am a terrific liar*.”
yes. i have sent it to my bloody boss by accident. he hasn’t noticed yet – with any luck he won’t look at his phone till three. i can see him from where i’m sitting.
this is not very good. i am looking at going on eternity leave.

* this is a joke. i am the world’s worst liar. i blush, stammer, look wildly around and generally cock it up.

**update attack: my boss has just walked past me three times. on the third he looked at me. suspiciously. more bulletins as events warrant.

pauline quirke has stigmata

i am a child. certainly in terms of juvenile humour. i’ve recently started telling people that the diabolic gwen stefani single 'the great escape' is a new single by carol vorderman called ‘3 from the top and 4 from the bottom’. you’ll be surprised - if you can maintain an air of contrived insouciance long enough – how many people believe this. especially if you crudely cut and paste a cover together and send it to people attached to an email as proof.
i mention this because a friend has just rung to tell me that not only did hmv not stock the carol vorderman album ‘another consonant please carol,’ but they’d never heard about it. i told him it was out on geffen and that he should contact the record label in case they have delayed it’s release – i can’t tell which concerns me more, the fact that a friend of mine believes this or that he’d be prepared to part with money for the wretched thing.
now i’ve begun telling people that pauline quirke has stigmata. no reason except it amuses me. unfortunately i can’t seem to muster the requisite expression to deliver this with the required impact and as a result have succeeded only in looking faintly puzzled as i tell people – more conviction is required but it’s very difficult... try it, and if only one person believes you, you win.