I write this with apologies to Amy Mead

I have many many many lovely friends. One of the loveliest and shortest is Amy Mead, aka shortarse, pixie mead or in my case Moo.
I am known for my fickleness, it seeps from me in unusual ways - I say I'll be somewhere and I won't, I promise something only to get the fear of commitment and dash it against the rocks of loyalty at the last minute - I can barely trust my own promises to myself.
I made a very quick decision in March to go back to university this year and in an unsurprising turn of mood yesterday have decided to defer, at least for a year. After all, I don't want to commit to not going either. Today I broke the news to Amy, while standing on the grimy pavements of London Road, buffeted by swarms of wretched hags and harridans, each screeching insults at the other as they passed me. Therefore the conversation went something like this;
Amy: "What do you mean you're not going to university, Dooks ?"
Me: "Stupid fucking bitch."
Amy; "Ey?"
Me: "Sorry not you. Some twat - yes you, you twat - is trying to push past me. Yeah, like I said, I think I've changed my mind about university."
Long, long pause. I could almost hear the depths of Amy's knowing, stupefied mood.
Amy : "Are you joking ? You're joking, are you ? Are you ?"
Me: (quietly) "No."
At this point Amy's language turned the air so blue I could practically swim back to work.
Me: "Look. I've really thought about this."
Amy: "I am never going to believe anything you say again."
Me: "Yeah you too, arsehole. Sorry, someone was trying to get past again."
Amy: "You always do this."
Me: genuinely affronted "Not all the time"
Pause.
Amy: "I'll talk to you about this later."
Me: " Seriously I know what I'm doing this time."
Amy: "Whatever you want Daise."
Me: "I'll stick it up your arse in a minute mate. Sorry, someone was - Amy ?"
Nope, she'd gone. She's right of course, I do do this all the time, and the fact that she cares means a great deal to me. So I just want to say to Amy (and Lenny, who said he'd kick my face off if I didn't go, and possibly Big Al B who may read this at work and come downstairs and kill me) I'm really sorry.
Not that sorry obviously, just enough to get back into your good books.
Update : As an afterthought, a huge cheers with off licence beers to Mitton and Jason who put 'poo-shaped cake' on my list of reasons to stay. I just need to know...why ?
And next time, it'll be all about ME obviously.

crushed underfoot

oh dear. on friday i went for a few pints with finch, rich and jason. casually over conversation the subject of my extended foray into singledom came up which prompted me to say;
"oh it's alright, in my head i'm having a fantastic relationship."
as a conversation killer you can't beat it. try it at dinner parties. i looked round at their aghast, frankly baffled faces.
"what ? does no-one else do that ?"
apparently not.
jason, very kindly, as if he was dealing with an incendiary device said,
"who with, hon ?"
i'm fairly well known for my delusional crushes on people, and even now at my age i still indulge these whimsical fantasies occasionally safe in the knowledge that it's harmless, and will frankly never happen - well, at least not yet, i'm still hanging on for brooker. here, in no particular order, and mainly for my own amusement, is the comprehensive list of my imaginary relationships:
(1) beck, i believe was the first. that lasted three years and was actually during a relationship with a very kind ex who tolerated it patiently, safe in the knowledge that i was mad for a five foot manchild whose head was too big for his body. my mum made birthday cards for me with cut and pasted pictures of his face and wrote sarcastic comments on the back. thanks mum. i nearly sat in on an interview with him once but spangled it, mainly because i knew i'd be a mess but partly because i heard he was a bit of a bellend. sadly the 'relationship' ended when i left him, homesick for england. this is true.
(2) julian barratt. brief fling. encouraged wildly by odge and sam barnett sending me photos of him in standard awkward poses with speech bubbles coming out of his mouth saying various dirty things. went to a gig once because i heard he may be there. he wasn't. ended abruptly when real life intervened and i found out his girlfriend (a real one, incredibly hot, talented and funny, unfortunately) was pregnant.
(3a) blink-and-you'll-miss-it non-action with cloud, the pixellated nancy boy from final fantasy vii. i am joking here....or am i ? or am i ? etc. (that is an in-joke from the game which will appeal to only one person i know, and he won't be reading this because he's playing final fantasy xii.)*
(4) frodo – not elijah wood who looks like the result of an unholy union between a frog and a startled husky but frodo, the hobbit. yes, i know. something in the homoerotic nature of his lingering glances at sam i think. i walked on this one when i realised in ‘real life’ he has hair like a studio line advert.*
(5) charlie brooker. slow burner this one, but i've just watched his television programme and was immediately so hot for him i disappeared into a weird fantasy of nonchalant canoodlings, idle stroking and witty asides. the man has the ability to make me laugh like no-one else - he described anne widecombe as 'having a face like a haunted cave in poland' and developed television gold such as 'indiana jones and the doomed office romance' and 'honey, i browndicked an acrobat' which i'm sniggering about even as i write this. plus he's childish, sulky and rude and has a strange fixation with the word guff. magic.
as i said, i'm still holding out for brooker.
having said that i'm aware that if i ever met the object of my affections i'd stumble over my words, crack lame jokes and stare bewildered at the floor, safe in the knowledge that yet another crush flickers out because i'm incapable of having an actual relationship....and frankly who wants one ? with the bickering, betraying and bodily fluids i'd rather strap my heart to the undercarriage of a jeep because sometimes that's how it feels. i'm delusional, almost certainly, but i can do without it now, thanks.
anyway in real life i'm off to the beach for a pint. because imagined relationships are all very well but the tight bastards never get a round in.
*i've just read this back....hobbits and computer characters ? what can i say, i'm a dick of the highest order.