Thursday, May 17, 2007

pauline quirke has stigmata

i am a child. certainly in terms of juvenile humour. i’ve recently started telling people that the diabolic gwen stefani single 'the great escape' is a new single by carol vorderman called ‘3 from the top and 4 from the bottom’. you’ll be surprised - if you can maintain an air of contrived insouciance long enough – how many people believe this. especially if you crudely cut and paste a cover together and send it to people attached to an email as proof.
i mention this because a friend has just rung to tell me that not only did hmv not stock the carol vorderman album ‘another consonant please carol,’ but they’d never heard about it. i told him it was out on geffen and that he should contact the record label in case they have delayed it’s release – i can’t tell which concerns me more, the fact that a friend of mine believes this or that he’d be prepared to part with money for the wretched thing.
now i’ve begun telling people that pauline quirke has stigmata. no reason except it amuses me. unfortunately i can’t seem to muster the requisite expression to deliver this with the required impact and as a result have succeeded only in looking faintly puzzled as i tell people – more conviction is required but it’s very difficult... try it, and if only one person believes you, you win.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

"it's true because it's funny" is also my main reason for living

Anonymous said...

did you know that there is a giant force field around Japan which means that they cannot be hurt by scud missiles in the third world war? clever little buggers

Anonymous said...

Also, some areas of Chad are actually invisible, not making it very difficult to do fuck all.

kaiki said...

brain - what are you, some sort of supremacist ?
ken masushita - whose name appears to be an amalgamation of at least four different tekken characters, (slightly gives it away, alex) it is interesting what you tell me about a force field over japan which repels scuds...
..and if you think i'm the kind of dippy, gullible imbecile which would believe that...you'd be about damn right.

kaiki said...

also, wasn't there a programme, late at night on channel four called 'fonzie after hours' ? featuring hardcore nudity, double penetration and a mind-blowing bukkake sequence ?
also, was i really that gullible to believe that ?
really ?
christ.

Anonymous said...

Have you been drinking..?

Anonymous said...

... a plan forms... hmm... change my name ... new life...new fun... new japanese funny friends... but to what...
yoshimitryu
gankuma
hwoaraking
jinlei armortiger
gonjack (this is my favourite so far)
wangkazuya (no, this is definitely the best, especially if you say it quickly and with a grin/smirk and a wink - "Hi, I'm Wangkazuya, guess what I've been up to)

kaiki said...

anonymous - i actually had to consider that then - "hmmm, have i been drinking ?"
answer: neiner.
kumajin - wangkazuya ?
*applaudes, throws flower garlands, shouts bravo!*